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May 27

I Am The Best

Job Interview

Job Interview

Well, of course, I’m the best candidate for the job, you know. First of all, I’m really funny. Hilarious, actually. I can make you pee your pants if I set my mind to it. What? Oh, no, no, I’m not doing it right now. I just said that I could if I wanted to. I don’t want to right now. That would be awkward, wouldn’t it?

So, you see, I would be totally fun to work with. Like a party at work every single day. Who doesn’t want to go to a party every day? Except, yeah, I’m older now, and that used to be fun when I was a 20-year-old, but I really like an early night in with a hot bath and a good book now. So, that’s the kind of party I’m talking about. Whatever kind of party you think you’d enjoy. That’s the work party I’m talking about.

Skills? Oh, of course, yes, I totally have skills. Awesome skills. Lots of awesome skills. Like, I learned how to type on an actual typewriter when I was in high school. Can you believe it? I actually had to manually go to the next line on a page, not like you young whipper snappers these days, I’m just kidding, you’re not that young are you? Haha, no, no, I’m not asking your age, I’m just trying to guess, I’d say mid- to late-thirties. Oh, 29? Haha, well, you’re very mature, aren’t you.

OK, so I have the typing skills and I’ve got mad people skills. I’m really good with people. Especially little people. I mean, I gave birth to six of them. And I didn’t eat any of my young, haha, yes, you see, some animals totally eat their young but I’d never do that, although they did tempt me sometimes. You have no idea.

So I’m really good on the telephone, too. I have this totally professional voice. “Good afternoon, Smiley and Smiley. How may I direct your call?” See? That sounded really professional, didn’t it? I can do that all day long. Oh, right, so the job doesn’t really require answering phones, that’s good because I really hated it when I was a receptionist. All those lines ringing at once, me forgetting who I had put on hold, dropping calls all over the place. Well, not all over the place, not enough to get fired. Ha! But I can still talk like totally professional whenever we’re, say, in a meeting or something.

Oh! I know. I’m very organized. All of my socks are arranged by color. Because they’re all white! Ha! I bet you didn’t see that coming, did you. But seriously, I’m an organized person. I know how to get all of my kids out the door and into the right school, and then get them all home again, and then get them to soccer practice and band concerts and basketball games.

So, I guess you could say I’ve got really good driving skills, too. Especially when we’re running late, and I’m weaving in and out of traffic like I’m at the Daytona 500. And why do people watch Nascar, anyway? It’s just a bunch of cars going around and around in circles for, like, a hundred miles. The drivers must get seriously dizzy. I don’t know why there aren’t more crashes. Of course, then there’d be even more fans, because that’s the real reason everyone’s watching, right?

Oh, and I’m also very focused. Like, laser beam. Like my dog when he fixates on the mouse that is in my kitchen and sometimes streaks across the floor when you least expect it. Except, does the dog chase the mouse and capture it? Oh, no, of course not, he’s terrified of the thing and he runs away from it! Can you imagine? My dog is terrified of a little tiny mouse. But so I am, so I can’t be too mad at him, right? I should have gotten a cat instead. I hate cats.

Anyway, I graduated from high school with good grades, woohoo, what an accomplishment, right? I did go on and get a B.S. degree in Zoology from BYU. B.S. degree, haha, that’s hilarious because you would not believe how many times I b.s.ed my way through a paper in college. You just use some fancy words and the professors think you know what you’re talking about. Yeah, but seriously, sometimes — no idea.

So. That’s me in a nutshell! Do I get the job?

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Prompt: There is a job you desire with every fiber of your being. Write about yourself in a humorous manner and boast about your skills as a person.

Share your thoughts.

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